Nostalgia is a big deal these days. That's why you end up with Stranger Things and Mama Mia! and other pieces of fiction set in the good old days. We have been plenty nostalgic for every decade all the way to the 80s, but 90s nostalgia is just starting.
I would like to do my part. When I think of the 90s, and of things I used to do back then, I think of Nintendo and video games. But that's something that not everyone can identify with.
The other thing I identify with is the music. Everybody still listened to the radio back then because we didn't have YouTube or Spotify or bla bla bla. So that means that sooner or later, everybody was exposed to the musical phenomenon that was eurodance music.
And that's where I come in.
What Is Love? The Musical
That's right. This is a musical that relives the glory of mid-90's dance music.
Setting: The story takes place around the summer of 1996. Neon colours have just recently become a thing of the past, but everybody is wearing Nike Air shoes and Anaheim Mighty Ducks jerseys. Baseball hats are worn backwards, the mullet's glory days are slowly fading away and kids are dancing the Macarena. Cool people though are going into clubs and dancing their life away to various euro-dance beats and songs with lyrics about love and night and rhythm. These are the people that interest us.
Characters
Kevin: Given the most 90's name I could think of, Kevin is our protagonist. He landed in prison a short time ago because he did not want to tell on his friend in a gang-related activity. I'm thinking something like counterfeit VHS of the Power Rangers. He has been out for a few months now and wants to lead a clean life. He works as a bouncer in a night club, trying to make enough money to eventually buy a Nintendo 64. In the meantime, he lives with his grandfather to save money
John: He is Kevin's grandfather. He used to be a jazz club singer, especially famous for his scat singing and his trademark mustache and fedora hat. Kevin looks up to him as an old and wise leader, a man who has had a lot of interesting experiences and who has a lot of stories to tell. Kevin always comes to him for advice.
Melanie: She is Kevin's love interest. She works as a bartender in the same club as Kevin, and she is looking to make money to pay for university. She is very popular at the club because of her warm personality but also because of her physical resemblance to one of the members of TLC. She is a veteran of the club scene, having worked there for two years. She is strong willed and often gets in trouble because of her stubbornness.
Frank: He has been working as a bouncer for a long time, and is probably in his mid 40's. He is teaching the ropes to Kevin and he is seen as an institution at the club. People respect him and his ponytail. He is tough, but fair. He is also, however, very protective of the people under his care and never hesitates to interfere if the safety of anyone in the club is in jeopardy.
Lane: A regular client at the club, Lane is a sleazy bastard who hits on Melanie all the time. He is rude, racist, sexist and rich. He wears khakis or cargo pants with sailor stripes polo shirts. He is a dick in every way imaginable and kinda looks like Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore.
Now that you know more about the characters and their back story, let's take a look at some of the pivotal scenes in that musical.
Introduction - Scene 1
EXT. - NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
Kevin is working the front door at a club with Frank, a coworker, who is training him. It is his first night on the job. As they manage the line and let people in and out, they discuss the women entering.
FRANK
See these three women that just entered? The middle one was my type. I would let her do the Macarena all over me if you get what I mean!
KEVIN
No, I'm not sure what you mean, Frank.
FRANK
I mean, look at that ass! I would like for her to be a bunch of Pogs so I could be her SLAMMER! (Gyrating his hips wildly) SLAM-HER! Get it?
KEVIN
I think I know what you mean. But are you only capable of speaking with timely mid-90's analogies?
FRANK
I want to go wild on her, Jumanji-style. I want her to make me "Die Hard", with a vengeance. I would take on her in some Mortal Kum-bat, y'know?
KEVIN
Dammit man, please tell me you're not going to work Waterworld or Twelve Monkeys in there.
FRANK
What's the matter with you, man? Don't you want to find a woman to take home? You have the perfect job for that!
KEVIN
Oh no. Don't get me wrong, I would love to find the right woman here. But I'm looking for real love, not just a one night thing.
FRANK
I don't know, man. I was burned too many times before. Too many women I knew got with me just for the free drinks and short wait time in line. But not anymore. Nobody's going to use me ever again! I love me, and that's all that counts! Plus, can you be really sure that your definition of love is better than mine?
KEVIN
I guess you have a point, Frank. I mean, What Is Love, really?
Cue "What Is Love?" by Haddaway.
Scene 2 - Falling In Love
INT. - NIGHT CLUB
A week later, Kevin is getting more comfortable in his job. We join him after the club has closed, when the staff is busy cleaning up and making sure that nobody has been abandoned after passing out in the bathroom. Melanie, the club's best bartender, approaches Kevin. They have both been flirting a lot in the last two weeks, but Kevin does not want to take the initiative because he's afraid that he's not good enough for her - he's fresh out of jail. Just before they leave the night club, Melanie comes up to him.
MELANIE
Hey Kevin! I was just wondering something. Can I ask you a question?
KEVIN
Sure! What's on your mind?
MELANIE
When are you going to grow some balls and ask me out? It was cool when you and I were winking at each other all night long and you were kind of pretending to touch my hand - but not really - when I was serving you beer, but when can we get to the next level?
KEVIN
Trust me, Melanie, I would love to, but I don't think it's a good idea. I have a really bad past, you see? A guy like me can't be with a woman like you.
MELANIE
Why? Unless you went all OJ Simpson on your ex-wife, I'm sure we can work through it.
KEVIN (Thinking about it and rubbing his chin pensively)
I guess you're right. Boy am I glad that we talked this through! But I'm telling you: I'm a bad boy. Badder than Puff Daddy. Are you sure you want to be with me?
MELANIE
Oh yeah. I want more than that! I want you to Be My Lover.
Cue "Be My Lover" by La Bouche.
Scene 3 - A Walk In The Park
EXT. - BEACH SIDE - SUNRISE
Two weeks later, Kevin and Melanie are walking around the city after their shift. They have been seeing a lot of each others lately and are having feelings for each others, like love and other things like that. They are eating hot-dogs which they bought from a 24/7 restaurant. They finally reach the beach side, where the sun is slowly peaking out on the horizon. They sit down on a bench and start talking.
KEVIN
My God, this is probably the best hot-dog I have ever eaten. I love this hot-dog. (Turns towards Melanie) But not as much as I love you.
MELANIE
Oh, Kevin! Do you really mean that, or are you simply trying to get laid on the beach at sunrise?
KEVIN
I really mean it! I just though that, you know, the sun is beautiful, the sky is blue, it's really warm... we're just having a good time. Don't you think?
MELANIE
I know, but I'm simply wondering if this is more than a summer fling. When the warm weather and the hot-dogs go away, will you still be there for me?
KEVIN
Baby, I am being serious, but who knows what the future holds. I don't want to promise anything to you because (turns away) ...I have a dark past. (Turns back to Melanie) But in the meantime, I just want to get to know you better. I want to make this summer a memorable one for you.
MELANIE
Are you saying that... you want to make this a magical summer?
Cue "The Summer Is Magic" by Playahitty.
After a hard night of work at the club, Kevin walks into his apartment and slams the door. His grandfather John, who was watching reruns of Golden Girls on TV with a box of tissues nearby, looks at him with a puzzled look on his face. Kevin sits down on the couch next to his grandfather, his arms crossed, sulking.
JOHN
What's wrong, boy?
KEVIN
It's that mega-jerk, Lane. He was at the club tonight and he kept hitting on my girl.
JOHN
That's the kind of thing that happens when you work in that environment. I remember in the 50's when I was singing in a jazz club, that's where I met your grandmother, bless her soul. Well the men would always hit on her when she was working as a waitress. Needless to say, I was not happy, but who could blame them? Your grandmother, bless her soul, had a very ample bosom, if you know what I mean. (winks at Kevin)
KEVIN
I understand but it's not just that. He also went around saying demeaning things about the other female employees. And he pushed his way past the queue for the bathroom, and gave someone a swirlie. Then he drank too much, puked on the DJ and threw change at the busboy to clean it up. And he kept requesting we play "Cotton Eye Joe".
JOHN
My, that Lane kid seems like a real trouble maker!
KEVIN
He's more than that. He was being a real nimrod. He was whatever the opposite of "rad" is supposed to be. He was everything that is wrong with the world! This world in which we live is really messed up!
JOHN
My boy, you're right, this world is cruel! Yes, it is messed up! But if good people, like you and me, all get together and put their heart into it, then we can change it! Sometimes I hope and dream that I can live to see a different world. In fact, my boy, let me take you through my vision of the world...
Cue "Scatman's World" by Scatman John.
(This is where we go to the song, but in a really fucked up, conceptual scene where Kevin and John are in harnesses and ropes, in front of a green screen, "flying" over images of famines and riots and then switching to images of people in love and birds flying and babies dancing in fields of sunflowers to show that things can get better.)
The next week, Lane is back in the bar, hitting on Melanie as usual. She turns him away as usual, but this time, Lane becomes rude and starts calling her really bad names, like "tease" and "slut" and "frigid bitch", even though all those terms are in contradiction with each other. Kevin comes over to escort Lane out of the bar, who makes a scene. Lane even takes a swing at Kevin, who blocks it. Frank sees it and runs toward Lane, tackling him to the ground. Things degenerate quickly from there.
FRANK
It's all right, I got Lane under control! He's now calm and he stopped flailing around!
MELANIE
Oh my God! That's because he hit his head on a table on the way down! I think you killed him! Look at all the blood!
FRANK
I think he's still breathing. For now. But Kevin could be in trouble!
KEVIN
What? I didn't even punch the guy! You tackled him! I just blocked a shot!
FRANK
I know, but you have a dark past! You don't want to be here when the police arrives!
KEVIN
But I didn't do anything!
FRANK
We know that, Kevin, but they don't! We can't take the chance. Run, Kevin, run! Don't stop! Run away!
Kevin runs away, confused, as the rest of the staff starts singing.
Cue "Run Away" by Real McCoy.
The day after the incident at the club, Kevin is sitting on his couch right next to his grandfather, watching TV. He has a heavy mind, although he is still a bit confused about everything that happened last night. The doorbell rings, and his grandfather goes up to answer. Kevin is just too confused to even get up and answer himself. That's how confused he is.
JOHN (Coming back towards the couch)
By golly, Kevin, you never told me your girlfriend was such a pretty lady! She is quite the head-turner! It's the first time in years I've been stiff anywhere but in my articulations!
KEVIN
Melanie! I am so glad to see you! Last night left me very confused, to say the least.
MELANIE
Well, first of all, I came to tell you that Lane is all right. He has a slight concussion, but he's only suing the bar because of Frank's assault. At least, nobody who works at the bar will be charged with murder, so this is good news!
KEVIN
That's a relief!
MELANIE
However, I also came here because of what Frank said last night. When he wanted you to run away, he mentioned your dark past. In fact, it seems like it's all anyone talks about when I mention you. What did you hide from me?
JOHN
Uh oh. Kevin, you never told her? I am disappointed in you. When I married your grandmother, bless her soul, I told her all about my days as a bootlegger. I had to tell her where the money for the ceremony came from, and why I invited so many people from Chicago. You should be honest too. That's the only way to have a true, lasting relationship.
KEVIN
You're right! I have been running away from my dark past for too long! Melanie, I have been in prison because I took the hit after helping a friend with his VHS counterfeiting operation. I know what I did was wrong, but I understand if you think you cannot be with me anymore.
MELANIE
Oh, Kevin! I still love you! I am just happy that you finally came clean!
KEVIN (Smiling)
That's what I like about you. You always see the good side of life.
MELANIE
But it's easy if you try, Kevin! There's so much positive in your life when you really think about it. Life is so amazing! You could even say that life is... beautiful.
Cue "Beautiful Life" by Ace Of Base.
INT. - COURTROOM - DAY
So Lane did sue the bar. He claims that Frank's tackle was unnecessary and that stopping him from being a dick is a violation of the first amendment. The main characters are all there: Kevin and Melanie have practiced their testimony in favour of Frank, while Lane has an exaggeratedly large bandage on his head to show how concussed he is. Everyone stands up as The Judge enters the room.
JUDGE
You may take your seat, or whatever it is that judges say when they enter the courtroom. Just don't stand up. So, let's see what we have here. (Looks at papers in front of him) Lane Dickinson vs the staff of the Hyper Fresh Fly Zone, particularly Mr. Frank Anderson. Wait a minute. That first name I read rings a bell. Lane Dickinson?
LANE (Rises)
Yes, your honour.
JUDGE
I know you. I play golf with your father, Richard Dickinson. You're a dick
LANE
I am a Dickinson, if that is what you mean.
JUDGE
No, you're a real dick. An asshole, if you will. Even your father thinks so. He keeps rambling about how much of a jerk you are whenever people talk about their kids. Whatever you did to get that bandage on your head, you must have deserved it. Case dismissed.
The crowd cheers wildly as Lane becomes infuriated.
LANE
You can't do that!
JUDGE
Oh yes, I can! This is my court, and as far as I know, it is the only one in town. Therefore, I decide what goes on in here! As far as trials go, let me just tell you, this is how we do it, son. So you better get your ass out of my court before I get you arrested for being a buzzkill, because we're gonna party right here and you're not invited!
LANE
Come on!
JUDGE
I hereby give you the title of Lame Lane! Let it be written into the law of this town, that you shall never again be addressed as anything else!
Chants of "Lame Lane" fill the courtroom as Lane is being escorted out. A boom box is being brought out of nowhere. Someone pops in a cassette tape. The music starts as people are being served drinks by the bailiff.
Cue "This Is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan.
(OK, so that's not really Eurodance, but it was still all over dance compilations in the 90s)
EXT. - COURTHOUSE - DAY
After the "trial", the main characters minus Lane exit the courthouse, still smiling and celebrating. Frank is already five beers in, while John puts on his hat and winks at his grandson. In the middle of it all, Kevin takes Melanie by the hand and looks at her sadly, but sensually. Kinda like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.
MELANIE
What's wrong, Kevin? We won! Lame Lane will never be a problem anymore...
JUDGE (Shouting from a distance)
Lame Lane!
MELANIE
Yes, Lame Lane! And Frank is free!
FRANK (Drunk and shouting)
This is the greatest day of my life!
KEVIN
I know, and I am glad that everything ended so well. However, I can't help but think that I have brought so much trouble to all of my new friends.
MELANIE
Look around you! Everyone is celebrating, everyone is happy... we just did shots of tequila with the judge! What more do you want?
KEVIN
It's just that I feel so sorry for everything I put you through. I don't want to drag you down. I understand if you need to be with someone who does not have a dark past, like mine.
MELANIE
Oh for fuck's sake. What will it take for you to understand that I wanna be with you?
KEVIN
Maybe just one last song? I can't seem to understand anything if it's not being sung to me.
MELANIE
Fine. But I swear, if you mention your dark past one more time, I will break your face.
Cue "I Wanna Be With You" by Fun Factory.
We fade to black as the song is finishing, over images of the crowd continuing the party outside of the courthouse. Melanie and Kevin share a sloppy wet kiss, kinda like Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock at the end of Demolition Man, or Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock at the end of Speed. I guess it doesn't get much more 90's than Sandra Bullock. For the song playing over the credits, either repeat What Is Love? or use one of the thousand dance songs with "night" in the title. Like Saturday Night. Or The Rhythm of the Night. Or Another Night Another Dream. You get the point.
The End!
For the right amount of money, I am willing to turn this into a full-fledged script.
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