Guy's Ghostbusters 3

This summer marks the 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters. It just happens to be my favourite movie ever. I have seen it more times than I can count, and although it is not necessarily something to be proud of, I also happen to enjoy the sequel. I'm not saying it's on par with The Godfather or anything, but I like it.

There's been rumours of a third movie being in production, and even as a fan, I know that just getting it done is going to be a tough task. There's the fact that we are now 25 years removed from the sequel, then there's Bill Murray who really doesn't want to be in it, but more importantly, one of the architects of the franchise, Harold Ramis, is now dead. This truly saddened me when it happened, and I would never imagine making a third movie without the him. If the man who wrote half of the first two movies cannot participate, I am not sure that a third Ghostbusters is necessary at all.

Unfortunately, we know that Ghostbusters 3 is indeed in production right now, though we do not know how far along that production is. As a Ghostbusters super fan, I will definitely end up seeing it despite everything I just said. It doesn't matter what kind of reviews it will get, I will be the first in line to see it.

Still, as a Ghostbusters enthusiast, I decided that I would write the script for Ghostbusters 3. Of course, I don't have any rights to the movie, and I haven't been asked by Sony Pictures to write such a script, but I wrote one anyway. You know, just in case they need some ideas. Pass it around. Show it to everyone you know. Maybe it will end up in the right hands?

I present to you:

GHOSTBUSTERS 3

By Guy Desmarais

SCENE 1 - Ghosts returning from vacations

INT. - LABORATORY - NIGHT

In a high-tech laboratory in New York City, a woman is working with some vials and Petri dishes and other science things. She's pouring liquids from one container to another, there's some smoke coming from who-knows-where - we don't know what's going on, but it looks like science is taking place. She looks into a microscope, so we know she's smart. She seems surprised. She looks at a chart on a table next to her, then looks into the microscope again.

SMART RESEARCHER
Oh my God. This is impossible!

The camera switches to a view of her chart, which shows something like "Paranormal activity in New York City" with a straight line starting low on the graph and ending really really high. She has obviously discovered that something major is going to happen soon.

SMART RESEARCHER
If my data is correct, something major is going to happen soon!

Just as she says that, the wind rises from out of nowhere, sending papers flying in every direction. There's lightning and bright lights filling the room, even though the scene is taking place inside a laboratory. Just put in the same effects as when the Scolleri Brothers appear in "Ghostbusters 2", but with more CGI. A ghost appears in front of her, though the camera switches to the woman's face so we can't see it.

SMART RESEARCHER
A ghost! It can't be! Ghosts have been completely eradicated since 1989!

GHOST
Well, it seems as though we are back, and I am here to attack you, though I am only an underling and not the big bad ghost boss which you will see at the end!.

SMART RESEARCHER
(screaming) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The screen fades to black while the logo of the third movie appears while the original Ghostbusters theme song plays. Now since the second movie's logo showed the ghost giving a peace sign, thus having two fingers up, it means we need a ghost with three fingers up this time around. I would just like to leave a note for the design team not to have the logo giving the shocker. No matter how funny you think it is, it is not cool.

SCENE 2 - Grumpy old Ghostbusters

INT. - RAY & WINSTON'S APPT. - EVENING

The scene opens with Ray and Winston, each sitting on their own recliner, watching the television. They're eating raisin oatmeal cookies or apple sauce, or any other old people food. We need the viewers to understand that the Ghostbusters are now older and retired. The TV is set to CNN, and they are obviously talking about ghosts having returned and weird shit going down in New York.

RAY
Boy, am I glad that we're retired and that we no longer have to deal with those ghosts! This is none of our business anymore!

WINSTON
Damn right! Let the young whippersnappers take care of all that paranormal crap! I am more than happy spending my days watching Maury and playing bingo!

The doorbell rings, and Ray gets up to answer. As he opens the door, we see that it's the SMART RESEARCHER FROM EARLIER!

SMART RESEARCHER (PETIA)
Mr. Stantz! Mr. Zeddemore! I am so happy I found you! My name is Petia! I am here because ghosts are back in New York, and I need your help. As the original Ghostbusters, you are THE ONLY ONES with the equipment necessary to deal with the ghosts. They attacked me, but I somehow miraculously escaped unscathed!

RAY
I am sorry, but we are retired. We cannot help you anymore.

WINSTON
Yeah, plus, each time we try to help New York City, we end up blowing shit up and destroying a bunch of expensive stuff like the Statue of Liberty. I'm sure you can find very competent scientists somewhere else who would be willing to hear your plight.

PETIA
Well if you won't help me, I am sure Egon Spengler or Peter Venkman will! Would you gentlemen know where to find them?

RAY
I am sorry I have to tell you this, but Spengler died a few years ago in a nuclear explosion while working on a proton pack. You must have heard of it, it wiped New Jersey off the map.

WINSTON
And Peter has gone crazy after Dana Barrett left him for a second time. Last thing I knew, he ran off to Iceland to become a whale herder. We haven't heard from him since.

PETIA
It is a shame that you won't help me. Where has your GHOSTBUSTERS SPIRIT gone? You might think that the ghosts epidemic is none of your concerns, but maybe YOUR LOVED ONES WILL BE NEXT! You never know! It could very well happen! Goodbye!

This is, of course, heavy-handed foreshadowing. Ray just escorts her back to the door and goes back to watching "Homeland" or something while eating pretzels.

SCENE 3 - Visiting an old friend

INT - DANA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ray and Winston are visiting Dana and her son Oscar, who is now... 25 years-old or so, if my calculations are right. He's still living with his mom because it's a tough economy, and it just makes sense, you know? They are discussing fun stuff and laughing at old stories like I suspect friends do when they visit each others, when suddenly the mood turns serious.

DANA
It is always good to see you guys again, but the reason I invited you is because I need your help. Oscar was attacked by a ghost yesterday, and though he miraculously escaped unscathed, he was slimed, and it ruined one of his nicest shirts. I hope this won't happen again!

OSCAR
Yeah, I was coming back from a Pharrell Williams concert with all the other cool people in the city when the ghost came out of nowhere while we were taking selfies. He left everybody else alone and went straight at me. I was the only one being slimed. It was really ratchet or whatever. (I might not be using "ratchet" right, might want to check with a younger focus group before putting this in the final script.)

Ray and Winston are finally letting go of their grumpy ways and acting concerned. They are still eating their raisin oatmeal cookies, which Dana baked for them. It helps them be regular.

WINSTON
Ray, I know we said we were retired, but these ghosts are making things PERSONAL. I think it's time we admit we were wrong and that maybe we should have helped Petia.

RAY
I think you are right, Winston. But we are definitely too old to take care of this by ourselves. Let's go find Petia and teach her how to catch ghosts. I feel like it would make for a good montage.

Everybody hugs as some cool music from the soundtrack plays in the background. Something chill, but inspiring, kinda like that Bobby Brown song from the second movie. (Does Bobby Brown still make music? Who's the new Bobby Brown now? Is it Chris Brown? I really don't want to put Chris Brown on the soundtrack. Maybe Justin Timberlake could write something. We could give him the role of Oscar in exchange for a few tracks.)

SCENE 4 - It all makes sense!

INT - LABORATORY - DAY

Winston and Ray have decided that they will help Petia after all. They go to her laboratory, which was featured in the first scene, to tell her so. She is still doing science things, like wearing a lab coat and typing results or whatever on a computer.

RAY
Petia, we have decided to help you after all. We had an important change of heart when the ghost actually attacked people we cared about, just like you predicted.

WINSTON
So we are here to tell you that you can have access to all the weapons we used to have. The proton packs, the traps, the slime blowers... It's important that somebody takes care of the ghosts problems, even though we don't know yet why the ghosts have come back.

PETIA
Thank you! I'm glad that you decided to help after all! My mom would be so proud that I am working with the Ghostbusters!

She points at a framed picture of her mom, which is nailed to the wall. Ray's expression changes to one of surprise.

RAY
Wait a minute! This is your mom? This must mean... that you are PETER VENKMAN'S DAUGHTER!

PETIA
What? How is that even possible? My mom claims my father died giving birth!

RAY
I think your mom is lying! Plus, she looks exactly like one of the women who Venkman ended up sleeping with when he was a hardcore drunk public access TV host between Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2! I am positive it is her!

WINSTON
How would you know for sure that Venkman slept with this woman?

RAY
I used to put cameras in his apartment to watch him have sex. I'm a very lonely man.

PETIA
With the ghosts having only attacked Oscar and myself so far, could this mean... that the ghosts are trying to get revenge on the original Ghostbusters and their kids?

RAY
I think that this is exactly it! We need to ALL get back in business immediately to save our own asses - and New York City, I guess - but first, we will need to hire new Ghostbusters to deal with this! Because we are so old now!

WINSTON
Boy am I glad that I never had any children.

SCENE 5 - New Ghostbusters + MONTAGE!

INT - GHOSTBUSTERS FIRE STATION - DAY

Winston and Ray are standing in the old fire station, eating raisin oatmeal cookies. Ecto 1 is seen in the background, hopefully the same old car, but if we get Michael Bay to direct he might change it to a Dodge Charger or a Chevy Camaro. Make sure we get money for the product placement if that's the case. They are walking in front of a bunch of recruits, who we all see from behind.

RAY
So you guys are going to be the new Ghostbusters. We have picked you because of your physical fitness, your belief in the paranormal, but also because you have a role to play in the big reveal coming up later.

WINSTON
Now please, identify yourselves so that your new teammates can learn a bit about you.

PETIA
I am Petia, and I am the daughter of Peter Venkman. I am also the scientist who discovered this new wave of ghosts spreading throughout the city. I'm the smart one.

OSCAR
My name is Oscar. I am the son of Dana Barrett, and I'm young and kids relate to me. I'm supposed to be the cool one, but I don't really care about it because caring is not cool.

EGON JR.
Hi, I'm Egon Jr., and I am an orphan. I don't know who my father is, as I was found floating down the Hudson River on a wicker basket. I am just happy to be here and I am kind of blue collar. I'm obviously the straight man of this group. I mean, ghosts! Am I right? It's crazy!

WINNY
Hello, my name is Winny, and I am not anybody's daughter... yet. I have had a long journey which led me here, which I'm sure we will have time to talk about later. I am also kind of mysterious about my past. I am the brave one, and should this become a franchise, I will surely be seen as the leader of the group.

WINSTON
Good! Now that we know everybody, it's time to learn how to use your new equipment. You would obviously need a lot of time, which we don't have, to become familiar with the intricacies of catching ghosts. This is why we will instead go straight to a MONTAGE and get this over with.

The four new Ghostbusters, all decked out in their new suits, proton packs strapped to their backs, go around New York City to catch some ghosts. We see them sucking at it at first, but then they become better with the coaching of Ray and Winston. Winston teaches them how the equipment works, Ray makes them wax cars. We see them around many of New York's landmarks, like Madison Square Garden, or that golden bull with his balls exposed near Wall Street. Lots of CGI ghosts all over the place. Make them drive the car really fast to get some more product placement dollars out of Chrysler or GM. In the end, they all walk in slow motion with some explosions behind them and we can see just how good and confident they have become now.

SCENE 6 - The plot twist

INT. - GHOSTBUSTERS FIRE STATION - NIGHT

The new Ghostbusters are sleeping or playing Jenga, it doesn't really matter. They're all in the same place, in the fire station. Out of nowhere, the wind starts blowing again (toppling their Jenga tower over and pissing everyone off) and lightning strikes outside the house, and the BIG BAD BOSS OF ALL GHOSTS appears for the first time in front of them. He is dressed in a pinkish white frilly bodysuit (kinda like Gozer in the first movie because CALLBACK!) and has long blond hair (Vigo, CALLBACK!). He speaks in a deep voice.

BIG BAD BOSS OF ALL GHOSTS
I have come to get my revenge on all of you Ghostbusters kids! Fear me! HA HA HA!

The ghost attacks Egon Jr. and Winny, and tries to drag them away through the window. Petia wants to use a proton pack to scare it away, but it would hurt her friends, so she uses science instead and it works. Oscar is just filming that shit and putting it up on Instagram. Ray, Winston and Dana, who somehow spent the night at the fire house too, enter the room.

RAY
What the hell is going on here?

BIG BAD BOSS OF ALL GHOSTS
Screw you kids, I'm taking the old Ghostbusters instead.

The ghost rounds up Winston, Ray and Dana with some kind of ghost lasso, or ghost cage maybe. He then disappears with them into another dimension. The four new Ghostbusters look at each other.

OSCAR
He took Dana, and Dana is my mom (in case anyone forgot)! Wasn't that ghost supposed to just attack Ghostbusters kids?

PETIA
This rips apart my entire theory! Why was this ghost attacking Egon Jr. and Winny?

EGON JR.
I have a confession to make. I am the son of Egon Spengler and Janine Melnitz. I did not mention it before because I did not want Ray and Winston to play favorites in the selection process, and because it wouldn't have been convenient to the plot.

EVERYONE
(Gasp!)

WINNY
I have a confession too! I am the estranged daughter of Winston! He made a donation at a sperm bank when he was broke around the start of Ghostbusters 2, and I am the result of his history of jerking it for cash! I found out about him through the internet, and wanted to become a Ghostbusters to be closer to him!

EVERYONE
(Double Gasp!)

OSCAR
But why did he attack my mom? My mom wasn't a Ghostbusters!

PETIA
That's true, but your mom hung out with them a lot. It's an easy mistake to make for a ghost who's in a hurry.

OSCAR
I am entirely satisfied by this explanation, as should everybody else!

Everybody is super surprised at this plot twist and everything makes sense now, mostly. Petia's theory still holds true! They decide to find wherever Ray, Winston and Dana are being held captive and save them. Oh, and kill the big ghost at the same time too. Now they just need to find where it is.

SCENE 7 - Meeting the big bad ghost

EXT. - EMPIRE STATE BUILDING ROOFTOP - EVENING

So it turns out that the ghost has taken everyone to the top of the Empire State Building for no other reason than it would be pretty neat to shoot a movie climax there. The new Ghostbusters figured it out by checking Twitter and the hashtag #NYCghost. They head there, pay the 50 bucks or so it costs to get to the top of the building and confront the ghost. The ghost is standing on the rooftop, with Ray, Winston and Dana tied up to ghost chairs with ghost duct tape.

WINNY
All right, asshole. Who are you and why are you after the Ghostbusters and their kids? We need some exposition here.

VIGOZER
My name is Vigozer, and I am the ectoplasmic lovechild of Gozer and Vigo! We were all a happy family in the world of ghosts, but the Ghostbusters killed both of my parents and I had to grow up as an orphan. I just wanted to get revenge on everyone for ruining my childhood!

EGON JR.
Oh crap man. That's actually kinda sad. I didn't know ghosts could have babies. I didn't even know ghosts could hump each others. We're so sorry.

PETIA
Yeah, I guess we never really stopped to realize the consequences of catching spirits and keeping them in captivity for eternity. These spirits used to be people and probably still have emotions and thoughts. This is quite the ethical conundrum we have here.

OSCAR
I don't care dude! You kidnapped my mom! I'm going to shoot you with my big proton laser beam!

Oscar shoots his proton pack at Vigozer, who flies away into the night. The other three Ghostbusters just kinda shrug and high five as the old Ghostbusters are now safe. However, the sky turns purple like in the first two movies.

EGON JR.
Oh my God! Look at the Statue of Liberty!

(Can you even see the Statue from the Empire State Building? I've only been to New York once and I can't remember. Let's just assume you can. We'll fix it in post-production if not.) The Statue walks off of its pedestal, like in the second movie. As it crosses the harbor, it also becomes coated in marshmallow and grows a sailor hat instead of its spiky crown. It's a Statue of Liberty/Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hybrid! So many callbacks to the first two movies! The fanboys are going to go crazy! It's walking towards the Empire State Building and crushing everything in its path. There's a shitload of explosions and people are panicking. What are the Ghostbusters going to do?

SCENE 8 - The final battle

EXT. - EMPIRE STATE BUILDING ROOFTOP - PURPLE SKY

WINNY
Right, so what are we supposed to do now? There's a giant marshmallow Statue of Liberty coming right at us.

PETIA
If I remember correctly, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was vanquished by crossing the streams. Let's do it!

The new Ghostbusters cross the streams and try to melt the Marshmallow Statue as Ray and Winston look on in approval. However, it doesn't seem to work, as Vigozer keeps advancing in his gigantic form.

EGON JR.
Dammit! This is bullshit. Crossing the streams is supposed to explode molecules, and it didn't even make a dent in this guy! We should be dead by now, let alone that marshmallow bastard!

OSCAR
I know! Even though I was only a baby when it happened, I remember a bunch of people singing to Jackie Wilson's "Higher and Higher" to weaken Vigo back in the days! Sing with me people!

EVERYONE (Unsure, looking at each others)
Your love, is lifting me hiiiiiigheeeeer, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigheeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

After a whole verse of the song, the Statue keeps advancing in the middle of a bunch of explosions, sending our heroes into despair. Hopes are wearing thin, and the situation is pretty bad. Suddenly, Ray has a stroke of genius, because, what do you know, the old guys still got it.

RAY
I know! Since Vigozer is the son of Vigo and Gozer, he must be twice as powerful as his parents! However, it means he also has twice the weaknesses! It's simple logic! It means that we will need to get a song which is twice as happy as "Higher and Higher" to weaken him, and then, blast him with twice as many crossed streams as before!

PETIA
Sounds great, but which song should we sing? And where will we find more proton packs?

Just as she finished speaking, out comes Louis Tully, played by a freshly unretired Rick Moranis, piloting his own helicopter. The chopper has a huge sound system attached to it, which gigantic subwoofers which make the Empire State Building shake.

LOUIS
Hello guys! Is this a good time?

The sound system from the helicopter is playing the song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams (part of the soundtrack, of course, available on iTunes). It is so loud that the people in the street can hear it, and they join in the singing.

VIGOZER
Happy songs! One of my only two weaknesses! Curse you Ghostbusters!

LOUIS
Oh, and by the way, check out what I bought at Costco the other day!

From the side of the helicopter appears a gigantic novelty sized-proton pack, about ten times as big as a regular proton pack, with a huge particle thrower attached to it. I am sorry if there is too much Ghostbusters technobabble here. If you are a studio exec reading this and you don't really care about anything but money, just imagine a huge fucking gun shooting lasers attached to the helicopter. The chopper fires at the Statue of Liberty/Marshmallow Man creature, bringing it to its knees.

WINNY
Come on guys! Let's cross the streams!

The Ghostbusters open fire and shoot at the monster, crossing the streams with the helicopter of course. There's a huge explosion, of course, and there's marshmallow everywhere. We see people in the street being covered in the stuff, and Walter Peck, who was just walking his dog nearby, gets covered with it in ANOTHER hilarious callback to the original movie. The Ghostbusters have succeeded, Vigozer is gone!

SCENE 9 - The feel-good ending and some more callbacks

Louis Tully lands his helicopter on top of the Empire State Building (I don't know if he actually can, I just hope there's an heliport, otherwise the scene will look awkward). He walks towards the Ghostbusters and gives each of them a big hug. Winston looks down to see the Statue of Liberty being wrecked worse than in "Cloverfield", lying in a heap of scrap metal.

WINSTON
Heh, no way we're getting in trouble with the city this time!

DANA
Louis! I am so happy to see you! Where did you get a helicopter? Why did you appear at such an opportune time?

LOUIS
Well, Dana, I am now a rich accountant. I am in fact the head of my own firm. I was following your adventures on the news, and I though you could use my help. I figured out the way to beat Vigozer by myself because I was, after all, present at the climax of the two original movies. It's as simple as that!

WINSTON
So it turns out that Egon Jr. was actually Egon's son all this time! And that Winny was my estranged daughter! Who would have thought? I love you, my daughter!

WINNY
I love you too, dad!

Winston and Winny embrace, as do Dana and Oscar. Egon Jr. and Petia also embrace because it seems like everybody is doing it at the time. After a few seconds, they turn awkwardly to Ray, who is all alone.

RAY
I wish I had an estranged son or daughter. I'm so very lonely.

LOUIS
Everybody, get into my helicopter! We will go to my mansion to celebrate this victory! There will be Nova Scotia salmon, room temperature brie, and entertainment for all! Let's go!

The gang flies away to Louis' party, which is shown during the credit. There, Pharrell Williams himself is singing his remix of the Ghostbusters theme song, which is of course on the soundtrack (available on iTunes). Egon and Peter appear as Force ghosts with Slimer as they look upon their friends having fun.

THE END